Saturday, December 20, 2008

Bloggin' In Memphis...

I am a genius. Nothing screams intelligent quite like traveling the Friday before Christmas.

In my defense, my finals schedule was situated so that this was the first day I could fly home. But of course, there is not only the Christmas rush, but also all the horrible weather in the midwest and northeast. So as of right now I'm stuck in Memphis until 7:30 tonight. At least I got put up in a pretty nice little hotel. Unfortunately check out time is noon, so I have seven hours to kill. I'd love to go to Graceland, but I kind of have that issue of no transportation and a huge rolling bag. So I suppose that's out.

Here's to hoping my two day travel experience remains only two days and not three!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I have a confession...

I ... I am a worrier. Not in that endearing sort of way, in that will-panic-over-the-slightest-thing sort of way.

Exhibit A:

Being a displaced Southerner in the Midwest, the whole concept of ANYONE driving in snow SCARES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME. I think of it as while all these nebraskans experiencing snow all their life at twenty plus in snow years, me? I am two.

So when my boyfriend DOES NOT TEXT ME BACK FOR HOURS after he's been all the way out in bfe hunting and DRIVING BACK in SNOW, I start to get a little worried.

So I check the department of transportation website and every local news source for any word of some sort of tragic accident involving a red pick-up, because if he's not texting me back he must have veered into a ditch and must be DEAD, it could not possibly be that he's a MAN and doesn't always have the best communication skills.

This happened a few days ago, and now he's DOING IT AGAIN. With full knowledge of what my reaction was last time. If he's not dead, he will be.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

On How to Have a Massive Panic Attack....

Go to your final on the wrong day.

(A day early, thank God.)

Monday, December 15, 2008

I am Toni Morrison's BITCH.

It is 3:15 the day before my final paper for English 200 is due, and instead of sleeping soundly in the knowledge that I planned accordingly and broke my work into little, managable segments to be done of the course of weeks -- HA! HA HA! -- I'm writing furiously.

Toni Morrison is making me her bitch tonight, and Absolut made me her bitch last night.

Seriously, that quote about only being afraid of losing your morals and your shoes... I LOST MY DAMN GOLD HEELS LAST NIGHT. (The morals? Gone long time ago.) I'm guessing they're somewhere at Matts, but the trick is finding them before the dog. For some reason I don't think Matt cares as much about the well-being of my shoes as I do, and doubt he has been scrambling to find them. I, however, can hardly sleep in the knowledge that my beautiful, gold, fucking expensive shoes may be serving as a chew toy right now.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Oh God, the finals...

Not posting because of THE FINALS. Oh for the love of God, the FINALS.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Aughh, it's finals time. I've pretty much got my nose to the grindstone for the next two and a half weeks. Next week is SUPPOSED to be dead week, however I manage to have a meteorology lab quiz Tuesday, a twenty page fiction portfolio due Thursday and two papers and a presentation due Friday. How does that happen? The only thing dead about that week is going to be me.

Speaking of the presentation, it's for my advertising course in which we have gotten ONE grade back all year. Out of at least ten assignments. So basically I could have anywhere from an A+ to a 2%. It's things like that which prompted me to for the love of God get out of the advertising sequence now, run don't walk.

In other news, I finally decided it is NOT okay to gain 10 pounds in three months (damn you Amigos!) and decided to start dragging my lazy behind to the rec and maybe attempt to eat healthily. So, for snacks I've been consuming hefty amounts of popcorn. Because popcorn is healthy, right?

As my one of my sisters said tonight, not when it's dripping.

I bought the delicious, wonderful goodness that is Butter Lovers, and I kid you not, my hand was yellow by the time I was done inhaling the bag. Probably defeats the purpose of trying to eat healthy.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

No need for AA...

Since my last two posts have involved the consumption (or overconsumption) of booze, I figured I would post something to prove I am not an alchy, (alci? alki? alky?) I do spend the majority of my time sober.

Thursday, I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing was harmed in the making of said supper! (Unless you count my arms. Who knew basalmic vinegar and oil explodes when you put it on medium heat? Oh? Just me then. No burns, but damn that hurt.)

The success of the dinner was due, in large part, to my putting the turkey off onto Matt. I didn't trust myself that much. I must say, I was impressed with the result. He used some jalepeno injectable marinade, and it was quite tasty.

I flexed my domestic muscles by making my apple pie: oh yes, homemade crust AND crumble topping. Amazing? Me? Of course.

Anyway, last night I went to Barnes & Noble, aka, my crackhouse. They have these really cool collectors editions of works out for $19.96 out right now. They're all hardcover and old-school fabulous looking with gold edged pages. So of course I could no longer put off purchasing Wicked when it was sitting in front of me in such a pretty package.

And! The pretty one included the sequel, for only three dollars more than the regular version of just wicked. Great deal, yes?

I have also discovered another form of crack, and that is

Seriously, that website has some of the coolest, most unique gifts ever. I've already done the majority of my Christmas shopping through it.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Today, I was put in my place...

...and that place just happened to be the stadium toilet.

I must admit, I've become quite confident in my ability to drink copious amounts -- I do. not. throw up from drinking. ever.

Until today. I got screwed by the screwdrivers. I missed the AMAZING NU-CU game because I was too busy worshiping the porcelain gods/ taking a nap passing out ON A PUBLIC TOILET. I swear, the vodka made it a great idea at the time. Now, sober? It's just disgusting.

Matt and I then had to walk (or in my case, stumble.) the 3+ miles back to his house since we couldn't get the car out. (I obviously would not have been the one driving.) So since I was the reason Matt had to watch the second half of his last game as a student on TV, I told him he could leave me alone to go to the bars tonight.

Oh, I failed to mention...I had left my ticket in my sorority house, which is locked for break. So I had to jump through hoops to get my ticket, only to spend maybe five minutes in the stands.

Alcohol - 1
Jessica - 0.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Ahh, the joys of college.

YES! INDEED! I am drunk on a Monday! In my defense, it is the last evening 'fore everyone disperses for break, therefore making a night of drunkeness absolutely called for!

Granted, we must vacate the house by 5pm (I have class until 5:30) and I am yet to pack for the occasion and was planning on doing so tonight, but bah! Frat parties take greater importance!

However, whoever decided to supply pepsi as a mixer with bartons vodka should go to hell. At least give me some sort of fruit juice! God knows how quickly I had to choke down the pepsi/cheap shit vodka mixture.

It has been incredibly difficult to type this in a coherent fashion. Also, I take on flowery 18th century speak whilst intoxicated, no?

Monday, November 24, 2008

The word library is making me all twitchy...

I have come to the conclusion that my university's library is designed specifically to make those of us in the humanities HEADS EXPLODE.

Granted, Nebraska is not so well known for their humanities and more for science based things, like agricultural science and nutrition. (By the way, the McRib? Totally invented at UNL. You're welcome.)

But anyways.Trying to find literary journals in that place is an all-day affair. Not to mention that the library is two separate building connected by a walkway, therefore, in order to getting to the literary criticism section in one basement, you must go into the other building, up to the second story, across the walkway, and down into the basement.

Of course, all copiers and computers are located in? You guessed it. The other building. So every time I needed to find another call number or make a copy of a periodical, I had to make the trek to the other building.

At least I get to write my paper on an interesting topic -- the use of the supernatural in Toni Morrison's Beloved.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

My wonderful, wonderful dress

I. have found the perfect formal dress!

I'm quite excited about this, as I was beginning to lose hope. How I did scour the depths of the internet in desperate search of a decent dress for under $100.

But, alas! No luck.

So I borrowed the rolling garbage can Matt calls his truck to take a treck to the mall. Where I tried on lots of clothes. And came (once again) to the conclusion that college makes you fat. I had nearly given up hope when I decided to give Dillards a go. The Dillards in my home town is the definition of ghetto, so I didn't hold too much hope.

Who would've figured Lincoln, Nebraska had a three story Dillards? Anyways. I hunted through the petites and womens sections and found nothing, so as a last ditch effort I wandered over to the juniors section. A cursory glance turned up only the usual cheaply-made weird colored dresses that dominate the juniors section, but tucked away on the bottom of the wall was a cute strapless in THE MOST GORGEOUS green I have ever laid eyes on. I figured it would probably cost an arm and a leg, as most things I look at and go PERFECT do, but it was a reasonable $70!

So, duh, I bought it. And I will be the girl in the fabulous emerald green dress at Christmas formal.

Did I seriously just write this long of a blog post solely about a damn dress?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Lord, I was up until 2am last night "studying" (i.e.-reading snarkymommy archives and talking to my sisters in the dining room.) and then woke up at 6am to actually study and HAVE NOT GOTTEN TO NAP.

A funny thing happens when you hit college. All those naps you fought when you were like, five? Yeah. You'd kill for them now.

I don't even have the energy to be witty and cute. I just want to sleeeepppp.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Boring Blog...

My blog. Is messed up.

I'm working on digging deep into the depths of my mind to pull out the teeny bit of coding skill I have in order to get these damn templates working properly. Until then, the blog will either be boring or weird looking.

Which really shouldn't matter because no one is looking at it but me.


All better. Now. For that meteorology test I have at 11am.

It burns...

Dear feminist lesbian in my English class,

I'm cool with the whole woman empowerment she-bang. I like being able to hold a job, and God knows what kind of trouble my snarkiness would've gotten me into in the 1700's. I'm cool with you liking the lady-folk. Do what makes you happy, sister. (sista? sista feels more right.) And even though I am quite conservative, I think Prop 8 (along with all similar legislation) is a crock of shit.

However, I take issue with you searing the idea of Emma and Miss Taylor being lesbian lovers in my mind FOREVER. It was not enough to merely dangle the idea, oh no, you had to describe them sharing a bed, and use adjectives normally reserved for supermarket love novels. You know how in 27 Dresses, the main character says she feels like she just found out her favorite love song was written about a sandwich? That is how I feel right now. When we were given the task of writing a parody of the first chapter of Emma, that was about the last thing I was expecting. Now when I write any of the no doubt countless essays on Emma that lie in my future, that idea will always be lurking in the back of my mind.

And that? Is so not okay.

The apparently too close-minded sorority girl across the room from you

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I would like to announce...

Today is the first day in about a week I do not feel like throwing myself off the nearest cliff.

Which, for the record, would take a lot of effort, being that I go to school in Nebraska.

Nebraska? Is not so well known for the cliffs.

We had slating for sorority officer elections today. I'm pretty sure none of us are entirely certain what the purpose of slating is and why the hell do we have to take up two Sundays on election and seriously isn't voting once enough? It started at 1pm (approximately 50 minutes after I awakened. What? I'd been sick. I totally deserve to sleep in until noon, all the girls sleeping off Saturday night did too. And I didn't wake up with vomit in my moccasins. And yes someone did.) and we finally were sprung at 6pm. Since that was exactly what I wanted to do the first day I wasn't trying to climb out of my window and hurl myself off the roof just to get some God-forsaken relief from my sinuses of death.

But honestly, I was probably in a better mood for it than I normally would of been for the sole reason that I was actually feeling decent. Plus there were sandwiches. And I hit Ashley in the face with a ball of paper while she was facilitating (not purposefully), which was hilarious and enough to make me happy for a good hour.

Then male companion returned from his weekend of drunken debauchery in Kansas (Two things -- There was not seriously any debauchery. And that sentence is funny in and of itself. Oh Kansas.) But anyways. He came to take me over to his house either because he desperately missed me or because he desperately wanted to use my laptop power cord -- take your pick. But I did get to go to Raising Canes, which, if you've never been RUN. don't walk. to your nearest location and partake in the glorious chickeny-ness which is Raising Canes. Now I need to write a parody of the first chapter of Emma for English 200, but I'm preferring to transfer my creative energy to my blog. Which nobody reads.

Ahh, priorities.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sorority Sisters

"A sorority is not just letters, parties and good times. It is a feeling that will never leave you as long as you live. It is a responsibility and a duty to yourself and you sisters. It is an eternal love."

This is all good and well and, for the most part, true.

Until you get sick.

Then a sorority is you laying in your room hacking your lungs out while your sisters peek in sporadically with their shirt over their face and a can of lysol in their hand to ask if you're dying.

To which I reply it's when I stop coughing that you need to get worried.

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